How to Communicate with an Aging Parent Who Won’t Listen

As parents (or any older person you care for) age, it can become challenging to talk to them at times, especially when you need to talk about topics like growing older, or changes in lifestyle that are needed due to illness, age, or physical limitations. You may be trying your best to communicate something important to them, but they simply won’t listen, can’t understand, or refuse to accept what you’re saying. This can also be frightening, especially if their safety and wellbeing is at stake.

It’s important to try to put yourself in their shoes and realize why they may be feeling or reacting that way. Consider these tips about effective ways to communicate with an aging parent so you can address tough life choices and important decisions in a way they can receive.

1. Your parents are adults; treat them that way. Although your parents (or older adult) may be acting stubbornly or foolishly like young children often do, they are not children. In fact, they were once self-sufficient adults who raised families, ran households, and had careers, but now they are being told that they can no longer live life in a way they want to. It’s a tough sell. Be mindful to talk to them, not at them. Any conversation you have with them needs to come from an attitude of respect, and you need to consider their point of view.
2. It’s not just what you say; it’s how you say it. Tone and manner matter. Take a careful look at your communication style, because that may be the number one reason why your parents aren’t listening to you. No one likes being yelled at or bullied, especially by their children, and they will shut down and exit the conversation if they don’t feel respected. (Don’t forget that what you say is still important, too. Ordering a parent to stop driving is probably not going to go over well.)
3. It’s not you; it’s me. One very effective conversational strategy is to make the conversation about you in the sense of how the situation affects you as the child. Many parents’ worst fear is becoming a burden to their children in their later years. This often is the root cause of why they resist getting help as they age. By honestly explaining how their unwillingness to cooperate and listen to what you’re saying is contributing to that burden they dread so much, they will be much more likely to respond in a favorable manner. Instead of telling your mother she can’t drive anymore because she can’t see and is likely to kill herself or someone else, use an “I” statement: “I can’t sleep at night because I’m so worried you’ll get into a car accident.” This shows care without placing blame. 
4. Include your aging parent in decision-making. Instead of telling your parents what’s going to happen next, ask them what they want and do your best to accommodate their wishes. Whether it’s time to bring in someone to help them around the house and run errands, or move them to assisted living, or just help them declutter, make them feel a part of the decision rather than just telling them what you decided. You could also involve a professional by mentioning that a trusted doctor or attorney has recommended a change. This approach may help your parent feel the decision is based on expert advice, not just on family opinion.

Of course, if your aging parent or older adult has dementia, that complicates the matter, since they may not be able to understand what you’re trying to communicate or may not remember what they agreed to. Here are some tips for how to communicate more effectively in this situation:

1. Accept the situation. Realize that you are not talking to the mother or father you grew up with. They have become a different person due to the disease, and you need to accept the situation for what it is and talk to the person they are now. Keep in mind that dementia can alter both personalities and perceptions.
2. Keep it simple. When talking to someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia, keep choices limited and use basic wording. If you ask long questions with multiple parts and a variety of potential answers, you’ll both get frustrated. Instead, ask simple, direct questions such as, “Do you want chicken or beef for dinner?”
3. Timing is everything. Avoid tackling difficult topics or asking questions when your parents are visibly tired or distracted. Choose a time when they can actually focus on what you’re communicating. If they get stubborn or ornery, just take a step back, let it go, and try again later. You could even ask siblings or other family members to step in, or ask for professional advice. It may be tempting to criticize or issue ultimatums, but that never works in the long run. Remember to be patient, as these conversations can be emotional and may need to happen several times before your parent feels ready to make changes.

Keep in mind that aging is a process that happens to all of us, and treat your parents or older adult the way you’ll want to be treated when you’re at that stage someday. Start early by beginning the conversation before a crisis arises; this will give your parent time to adjust emotionally and practically to new ideas. Above all, keep an attitude of respect and acceptance at the forefront of your communication, and you’ll go a long way toward being more effective.